- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
- When J. Robert Oppenheimer said I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds, He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
- According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American Trail of Tears has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
- Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
- Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
- Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with obstruction of justice. This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
- The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
- Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.
- Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
- In the medical community, death is referred to as Chuck Norris Disease
- Scientists believe the world began with the Big Bang. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a bad case of gas.
- July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
- When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
- Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
- Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
- There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with barbed wire.
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
- A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
- The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
- Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
- Chuck Norris Goes Where He Damn Well Pleases.
- A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
- Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
- Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
- Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
- In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
- Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
- Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.
- Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
- Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
- Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
- Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
- As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.
- Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
- Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those some people are now dead.
- Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
- Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
- It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
- Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
- Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
- Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across
- Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.
- Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter
- Aliens didn't build the pyramid's, Chuck Norris did.
- Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
- The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
- The original title for Star Wars was Skywalker: Texas Ranger. Starring Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
- No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
- Chuck Norris describes human beings as a sociable holder for blood and guts.
- Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris
- Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
- Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
- When somebody yells Last one in is a rotten egg, Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
- Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
- The wind of Chuck Norris s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
- Why did the chicken cross the road ? Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
- Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
- Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
- In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said Get a job. That is the story of the universe.
- People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
- Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
- There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
- Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the Circle of Life.
- They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
- In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
- Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
- Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
- On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000
- Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
- Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
- If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
- Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
- Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
- Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
- Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
- Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
- When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
- 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
- Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
- Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
- When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
- Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
- Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
- Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
- Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
- Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
- Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.
- Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
- 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
- After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- Movie trivia: The movie Invasion U.S.A. is, in fact, a documentary.
- Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
- Before sliced bread, people used to say Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris. But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
- Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.
- In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
- To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
- When in a bar, you can order a drink called a Chuck Norris. It is also known as a Bloody Mary, if your name happens to be Mary.
- When Chuck Norris says More cowbell, he MEANS it.
- Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
- Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
- Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
- Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
- Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him a promising Rookie.
- Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
- When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
- Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
- Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
- Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
- Every time someone uses the word intense, Chuck Norris always replies you know what else is intense? followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
- Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
- Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
- When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon befo
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
- Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
- In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
- For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more Missing in Action sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
- Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
- In the movie The Matrix, Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green falling code scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
- Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
- See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
- A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
- When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
- Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
- The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
- You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
- Chuck Norris belives the hype.
- When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
- Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
- Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.
- Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
- HIV needs a condom so it doesn't get Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
- Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
- The 11th commandment is Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
- Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
- Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
- The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
- Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
- With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
- Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
- Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
- On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
- Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
- You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
- When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
- President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
- Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
- Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
- Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
- Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
- Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
- As President Roosevelt said: We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.
- Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
- Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
- Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
- Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
- What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division .
- Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
- Chuck norris doesn't tea bag, he potato sacks
- When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
- A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
- The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
- A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
- Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
- The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
- Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
- Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
- Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
- Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined victim as one who has encountered Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
- Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.
- Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
- Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
- Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
- Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
- Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
- In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
- There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
- According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
- Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
- Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
- Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
- James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
- Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
- Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
- Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
- The opening scene of the movie Saving Private Ryan is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
- Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
- Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
- Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
- Chuck Norris can taste lies.
- If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
- People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris
- Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
- What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
- The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
- Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
- Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
- Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
- Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
- Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
- Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
- Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
- When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
- While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
- Chuck Norris's favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
- Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
- Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
- Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
- The movie Delta Force was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
- Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
- CNN was originally created as the Chuck Norris Network to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
- Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
- There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
- Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
- Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
- Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
- The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
- Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
- Chuck Norris does not style his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
- Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
- Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
- Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
- Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
- Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his Filet of Child sandwich.
- Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
- Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb
- Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
- Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
- A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
- Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
- Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
- It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
- If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
- Chuck Norris is ' The best a man can get '
- Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
- Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
- Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.
- Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
- P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.
- The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
- Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
- Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
- Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
- How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.
- The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
- MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
- When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
- When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
- Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
- Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
- Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.
- Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
- Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
- Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
- The Bible was originally titled Chuck Norris and Friends
- Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a hole. Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
- Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
- Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
- Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
- There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.
- Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
- The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
- Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
- Chuck norris invented the corndog.
- The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
- In the Words of Julius Caesar, Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
- There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
- Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
- The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
- Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
- There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
- If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
- Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
- One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
- Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
- Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
- Scotty in Star Trek often says Ye cannot change the laws of physics. This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
- If you rearrange the letters in Chuck Norris, they also spell Crush Rock In. The words with his fists are understood.
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
- The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
- Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
- Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
- Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
- The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
- When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
- Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
- The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
- Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you re Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
- Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
- Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
- A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is Charles. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
- Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
- Chuck Norris invented the apple.
- Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
- He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris & dies.
- There s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
- Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
- Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
- Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
- Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
- When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
- Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
- Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
- Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
- Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
- One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
- Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
- Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.
- Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
- For Chuck Norris, every street is one way. HIS WAY.
- Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
- For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
- In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
- Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
- Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
- He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
- There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
- Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
- After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
- The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
- There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
- Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the bitch lives
- When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
- Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
- Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
- The term Cleveland Steamer got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
- Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
- Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
- Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
- Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
- Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
- Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
- There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
- In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
- Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
- Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
- If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
- Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
- If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
- Chuck Norris can cure aids with his blood...its a pitty he doesn't bleed
- In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
- Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
- Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
- Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
- During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
- TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
- Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
- Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
- The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
- Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, Bang!
- Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
- Chuck Norris can pop a wheelie on a unicycle
- Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
- Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.
- Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady& just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
- Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of the best damn espresso on Earth.
- Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
- Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
- Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
- Chuck Norris is making a new movie about kicking 300 spartan's asses... it's called 1.
- Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
- When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
- Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
- Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
- Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
- Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is his way.
- Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness
- Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
- Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
